I Stuck Gumby Christ On the Wall

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Updated April 12:

I put Gumby on the wall. He's a Christian Gumby now, a Christ Gumby and a Jesus Gumby and he's up there to writhe and squirm for a long time.

I don't know why I did it. All I know is it was late at night, I was seriously wasted, and I saw Gumby smiling and I thought as usual he was laughing at me and my idiotic life. This time I got so angry that I grabbed Gumby by the throat, grabbed a hammer and nails, and nailed the sucker to the wall where he can laugh at me no more.

I have Gumbys all over my apartment. Pokies too. And plastic dinosaurs. There's stupid plastic cows and a plastic Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder (except my toy Robin is not homosexual like the real one), all real tiny, appropriate for a 50 year-old manchild.

I really want me some little tiny armymen. Then I am gonna line those suckas up on my top shelves and get some rubber bands and play Shoot the Armyman.

I'd like some creepy crawlers but I can't find any anymore. We used to make em with Plastigoop. It was good times. Then they would go on creepy crawler marches all over the whole house, only moving a few crawlers at a time, and then moving each crawler a few steps forward. In this way, the insipid marches could go on hours and hours.

There were two leaders of the crawlers, Horny and Hornet, and they were two green horny toads. They were husband and wife, but I never saw them have sex or anything. My leader was Tim, a red spider. I'm ashamed to admit that I still love Horny, Hornet and especially Tim more than any girlfriend I ever had, but maybe most guys are like that?

My Mom stood there and laughed at us like we were so stupid. "Why do you only move a few at a time?" she asked. You know females always think they are superior to us guys, but they don't get it.

The crawlers were in formation and they were a marching army dammit. Plus we got to crawl around on all fours and that's always fun. I still do it sometimes. I will even bark at you and pretend to bite your heels if you give me enough alcohol.

Plus, all males come from creatures that walked on all fours. That part of the collective unconscious faded in women, and it's now a distant memory they only remember painfully while they are cleaning the floor like they ought to do when they are not getting us beers from the fridge. But with guys it's a real thing. Bipedalism is a new thing to us, as is rudimentary speech. Many males still communicate mostly in grunts to this day.

Well, Gumby Christ has started people worrying in the complex where I live. Some of them still think I am a criminal, but it's good for people to be scared of you around here in the Hood. Now there is a rumor going around that I am insane because I stuck Gumby Christ on the wall.

As long I don't start worshipping him, I think I will be ok. When I start bowing down in front of Gumby Christ and yelling, "He died for my sins! For yours and his and hers and Pokey's too!" I promise I will try to seek help.

I admit I was seriously deranged when I crucified him yesterday but it had to be done. He was leading all the toys around here astray and fomenting rebellion in my apartment. I'm the High Priest in this damned apartment and I won't stand for any rebellions, so I killed Gumby, and that is that. Go make a religion and say he died for your sins if it bothers you so much.

People look at the Gumby on the wall and they say man, that is so stupid. I agree. That is why I did it. I normally never decorate walls because guys leave walls bare, and also I'm usually too neurotic and terrified to stick stuff up. I'm afraid it won't look right.

Gumby has two old paintings on either side of him that don't really match. On another wall is a Jesus mask from Guatemala with two Guatemalan knives on either side framing it. People think that is weird too, but they need to be quiet about it or I will pull off one of the knives and show them how sharp it is.

People see all these Gumbys around here and they start laughing. There's Pokeys around too, a gum-man's gotta ride something, and this is before the iron horse. Hardly anyone around here seems to be on my side, except maybe these friends who keep coming over, but I even wonder about them sometimes. I figure Gumby's on my side at least, so there is some comfort.

Sometimes Gumby does ride Pokey around here for everyone to watch. Also sometimes people come over and Gumby and Pokey might try to have sex with each other, as much as a man and horse can do that without the guy dying. People think that is childish too, and it is, I admit.

People see these stupid Gumbys and and ask me if I like Gumby. I say no, I hate Gumby. Then they ask why do you have all these Gumbys. I tell them I don't know.

On another wall is an evil Devil mask from Guatemala. It has two worthless university degrees on either side. Everyone hates it and says it's evil and gives off bad vibes wants it taken down, but that's why I put it up in the first place.

When they object, I just laugh diabolically and tell them I am the Devil, and ramble off a bunch of other names for him like Beelzebub, El Diablo, Shaytan, Satan, and especially The Evil One. I say, "The Evil One", really evil-like, and then I laugh real loud and say, "That's my name!" People get disturbed when I do that, but that's why I do it, and anyway, it's pretty funny.

I went over to see a friend the other day at his store. He was doing carpentry in the basement. I walked into the basement and asked, "Is this where you store the bodies?" He didn't think that was funny at all and I had to apologize. Some people just can't take a joke.

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